My OCD Recovery Story

I've always struggled with anxiety, despite not recognizing it until I was 38. Looking back, I was extremely anxious in social situations from a very young age, and avoidance became a common coping mechanism. I did find the courage to date in high school, started my first serious relationship at 16, but I had a lot of insecurities that made that relationship quite the challenge and we broke up after a few years.

Exposure Helped Me Overcome Social Anxiety

In my 20's, I (unknowingly) used exposure to overcome my social anxiety. I'd decided to start college, across the country, which required finding roommates since there was no way I could afford an apartment on my own. I ended up moving in with 3 girls at the same college, and I was so scared. "What if they don't like me?" "What if we don't get along?" The "what if's" were endless. But it turns out, being forced to learn how to make new friends, without the safety of my comforts of home, was one of the best things I could have done.

I'd replaced a 'roommate from hell,' so they were very expressive about how thankful they were to have me. We all got a long really well, laughted a lot, and had some of the best times I can remember. It was the beginning of overcoming my social anxiety for good!

Romantic Relationships Became a Struggle

Focusing on college was my first excuse to avoid romantic relationships, although the unhealthy level of avoidance was completely unconscious to me. Looking back, my brain was giving me all kinds of excuses to avoid relationships: "I just want to focus on school," "I'm not attracted enough to him," "he's too _____ (fill in the blank)." 

When I finished school and moved to Orlando for work, I started dating online, but rarely did I get past a first or second date. I met a great guy at 29, and while I had a few nagging thoughts, I pushed myself forward with him because I'd started to see my own avoidance, and I could tell he was a good guy.

Anxiety...Mistaken as Intuition

Throughout the 3-month relationship, I had some great times, but sprinkled in were what I now know as intrusive thoughts. Doubts, my brain pointing out differences and incompatibilities, and anxiety. I ignored them for a while, knowing rationally that they were minor, but it all came to a head when he bought us airline tickets for me to meet his family. As the trip got cloer, the thoughts and feelings got stronger. I won't bore you with the whole story, but he was blindsided and we broke up the day we got back.

At the time, I had no idea what was going on with me, so I just chalked it up to intuition. "This must be my intuition telling me this isn't the right relationship" I thought. I felt relief afterwards, the veil of anxiety and doubt gone, so my conclusion that this was my intuition felt logical.

My First Harm Intrusive Thought

A couple of years later, I was going through a really difficult time with a job change and experienced my first episode of disassociation. It was a scary feeling, which sent me into even more anxiety and in popped intrusive thoughts about harm. They happened again several years later in the form of "what if I stab myself?" No intention to do so, no desire, just a thought. Like many, I gave this thought a lot of meaning: what it meant about me, what it meant about my brain, what could happen.

So of course I panicked, and I treated them as fact — calling a friend to come stay with me "just in case." Today, I know that they were just intrusive thoughts. The brain's way of coping with anxiety, and they didn't mean anything at all, but at the time they felt as real as the chair I was sitting in. Just like the somatic and just right OCD I now know was a part of my life and work, the anxious brain will always find a way to make it feel real, so you'll listen.

The Start of My Recovery

At 38 years old, and still single, I sought advice from a life coach. As we talked about my lack of success in relationships, she said "it sounds like fear." I knew right then she was right. I hadn't really seen it before, but I knew at this point that I was the common denominator.

So, when "A" came into my life, he was a huge trigger for my ROCD, mostly because I'd avoided relationships for the last 18 years. You see, when we avoid something because it scares us, whether we know it or not, we unknowingly reinforce the fear and it gets stronger. This makes it harder the next time you try to face it. 6 months into our relationship, and crippling anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I finally found ERP (after trying talk therapy, EMDR, hypnotherapy, and many other things, unsuccessfully). It started helping immediately!

Don't get me wrong, it was challenging at first. It was the opposite of everything I'd been doing for such a long time, but it worked. OCD was gone, about 70% of the time, which was such a great relief! 

ERP Wasn't Enough

While ERP was very helpful, I still found myself having some pretty big relapses, and while ups and downs in OCD recovery is normal, my last relapse in 2021 led me down a road I'm so thankful for. I'd started working with a different (my 4th) OCD therapist and she was the first one who clarified for me that to recover from OCD, I had to stop all of my compulsions. Completely. And keep them stopped. This was a bit eye opening for me, because no one had ever been quite so clear. And, because I was still doing them, more than I'd even realized. 

What she didn't do, which no one had ever done, was to help me identify all of my compulsions. I had to do it on my own, and it was VERY eye opening. I realized I had over 40 compulsions I was doing, and when I stopped them all, I no longer felt like I had OCD. The intrusive thoughts stopped, the anxiety disappeared, and I felt confident in my relationship again. 

"Now how do I stay here?" was the next big question. Luckily, I figured it out! This is where my 4-step method, The REAL Method™ was born.

Starting My OCD Coach

In many of the groups I'd joined, I saw so many people struggling with OCD like I was, and most of them either weren't getting the right kind of help, or if they were learning ERP, they were  missing some of the pieces that I didn't get either. I made it my life's goal to help as many people as I could break free from OCD like I did. To feel at peace, confident, and anxity-free in thier life and realtionships too.

If you want help with anxiety & OCD recovery, click HERE!